“Serenity Now” or Why do I do this?

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As I begin to write this post, I am sitting on the bed I sleep in at my parents’ house. We are packing up to drive 14 hours back home to Georgia.  It’s been a crazy summer of upheaval on my mom’s side of the family and my expectations of a relaxing trip to see relatives in Canada, did not turn into that.  My Grandpa died in the middle of July (expected, though it’s been a long two years) and four days after I came home from the funeral (Thanks Mom and Dad for giving me the miles to fly to Saskatchewan for the funeral), I drove up to Chicago with my kids and Douglas joined me there.  Then we drove up to Manitoba to celebrate my cousin’s wedding and then we went to the Lake for a week with my aunt and uncle, cousins, brother and sister-in-law and nephew and niece.  Needless to say, it wasn’t as restful as I anticipated.  I think my parents will be able to relax once we leave.  Maybe they should go to the lake now instead of with all of the kids.

 

After this trip I have about 10 days until we start school.  Eric is in Kindergarten, so I am adding another child to the mix.  Brennig is doing Challenge A as he is in grade 7 and that is much more work for him (and me?)  Megan is in her last year doing CC and Eric is just starting.  Plus, I am now tutoring CC this year.

So with all of that on my mind, I can’t help but ask.  How am I going to do this?

I am, by nature, a do-er.  I have an agenda and a list in my head or on paper and I feel guilty when I don’t get everything done on it.  I am relaxing a bit more about cleaning my house which can be a good thing or a bad thing at times.  But I still have laundry and the dreaded meal making.  I would love to be able to cook 30 days in advance with crock pot meals etc, but we do not own an extra freezer nor do we have space for one.  So it is a weekly planning thing and then a daily prep thing.  It is about all I can handle just to keep all the balls in the air and it’s hard to find rest for this soul.

With school/CC and meal prep and laundry and cleaning, I am starting to panic a little.  How can I possibly get it all done?  Also, I can push push push and get it all done, but will my children/me be exhausted and grouchy and need therapy when they’re older?  At the end of the day Douglas and I sit down and watch one hour of TV on Netflix, but it’s not relaxing for me.  I still am thinking about the next day and all that needs to get done.  My brain never turns off.  I go for a walk at 6 in the morning with the dog, but exercise doesn’t help me relax, it’s just another thing on my agenda.  I look forward to sitting with Douglas, but it doesn’t relax me.  For example, We went for a walk in Wheaton while he was still in Chicago, and my mind kept busy wondering about the kids, if they were obeying my parents, if they were too much for them? My brain does not turn off.  It does not go into relax mode.  I cannot go to the happy place.  I try to read a book and I feel guilty because I’m not doing something that should be doing. I knit or crochet, but get no “rest.”  Sitting here writing this, I feel guilty because my children should be watched despite the fact that Grandma and Grandpa are around.

So my question is… How can I turn off?  You can see how scatter-brained I am by this post. How can I find that place/or activity where even twenty minutes of an activity will refresh me?  How can I turn my mind off so that I truly rest.  This is my prayer for this year.  That I would find that activity that refreshes, a prayer for a mind at rest and comfortable and in a place where I can truly be a Mom that my kids and husband desire, rather than one who is just rushing here and there.

Just a thought

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One thought on ““Serenity Now” or Why do I do this?

  1. Do you have a set of Anglican prayer beads? Ashamedly, I scoffed at them at first. Now I love the focus they give me to pray and be still. They help me to turn off that planning, busy part of my brain for a little bit and bring my praise, confession, thanks, and concerns to the Lord. I’m happy to share more if you’re interested. Peace be with you, my friend!

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